"Mommy, I hate you!" Six Tips to Help You Cope with Your Child's Angry
Words
Being a parent is tough sometimes, isn't it? Yes, you know
in your head that your sweet, loving preschooler doesn't
really hate you. But when he utters those words it's as if
he is nailing a scarlet letter to your head with a tinker
toy. The words are "child's play" but the effect sure does
feel real.
At this age, children don't have the subtle language to
beat around the bush. When they're angry, they show it.
If you don't give them their way, they're going to let you
know about their frustration. It's normal. It just
doesn't feel like it when it happens to you. What should
you do?
(1) Look for the issue behind the words: Your child does
not always have the language to explain his frustration.
When your child says "I hate you," he might be having
difficultly with a task, attaining something he wants, or
expressing an emotion like fear. As parents, we must
become a detective and figure out what our children are
really trying to relay.
(2) Help your child recognize anger: If your child can
recognize when he is feeling angry, he will have an easier
time expressing and coping with the feeling rather than
lashing out. Ask your child, "what does your body feel
like when you're angry?" Help him to name it while it's
happening, "I can tell by your face and body that you are
angry. You're having trouble putting the wheel back on your
truck. That is very frustrating!" This will help to
validate what your child is feeling and help him put a name
to the emotion he is feeling.
(3) Give your child the right words: When your child is
calm, talk about what happened. Remind him of when he was
feeling angry earlier in the day and what he said. Let him
know that when he says "I hate you," it hurts your
feelings. Then ask him, "What can you say instead?" If he
is unsure, give him the right words. "When you feel this
way, instead of saying 'I hate you,' say, 'I feel angry and
I need help, please." Help him to practice expressing his
feelings so that when he is angry again, he can call on
these skills.
(4) Provide calming techniques: We all get angry. Helping
your child deal with anger in a constructive way will be a
gift that he can use for the rest of his life. Introduce
and practice some techniques when your child is open to
listening (not when in the heat of battle!). Counting to
10, singing a song, and talking to oneself, are some simple
ways to calm down when angry. One of my favorite
techniques is to "smell the roses and blow away the
clouds." This is a powerful way to teach children to take a
few deep breaths.
(5) Teach problem solving techniques: Let your child know
that there are lots of ways to solve problems. If
something isn't working, try something else! You might
say, "Could you help me put the wheel back on my truck?" or
"maybe I should play with something else." Help your child
think about solutions that are safe, fair, and likely to be
successful.
(6) Watch your own language: Regrettably, in this case,
"monkey see, monkey do." If you use harsh language in
anger or you typically say "I hate" towards objects (i.e. I
hate doing laundry; I hate when the phone rings during your
nap time), your child will pick up on it and use it
himself. Unfortunately, such language might be directed at
you!
Perhaps the most important thing for you to keep in mind
while all this is happening is that your child doesn't
really hate you. So take a deep breath. Sometimes
parents, too, need to remember to smell the flowers and
blow away the clouds. After all, it's likely that clear
skies are on the horizon.
----------------------------------------------------
Character Queen," she's the creator of the Powerful Words
Character Toolkit, a character-building program for
children's activity centers and families. For more
information, or to contact Dr. Robyn, please visit
http://www.DrRobynSilverman.com
or to take part in her Powerful Parenting Blog, visit
http://www.DrRobynsBlog.com
